Unnecessary Analysis

Return of the G TRAIN!

2011-06-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy blogging about mermaids and Amber Wong-Cohens that I completely neglected to mention the triumphant return of G TRAIN EXODUS!

Manhattan Theatre Source has invited me to re-mount the play as part of their Estro Sampler, which is meant to share highlights of last year's festival and get people psyched for Estro 2011. I freaking LOVE the Source and consider the last production of G TRAIN one of my best theater-related experiences, so I'm beyond excited to be climbing aboard once again!

Not quite as exciting: the playwright waiting for the actual G Train.
WHERE YOU AT, G TRAIN???

It's a super short run (July 6th, 7th, 8th ONLY), so get your tickets while you can!

PUBLISHED!

2011-06-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

Exciting news!

Remember how, back in the day, "Amber Wong-Cohen" was a finalist for The Flatmancrooked Fiction Prize (if not, click here to re-live the magic of days gone by)? Remember how it was going to be published?

Sadly, Flatmancrooked had to close its doors. I'm not sure what disappointed me more: that "Amber Wong-Cohen" wasn't going to be published, or that there would be no more Flatmancrooked to read online (okay, to be completely honest, I was probably a liiiiiittle more disappointed by the former, but still. Good indie presses are few and far between!).

RIP. :(

Fortunately for me, Steve Owen of Flatmancrooked had decided to launch his own magazine, Mixer Publishing, and was looking for stories. Emails were sent, contracts were signed, and a few months later, VOILA! "Amber Wong-Cohen" is up on Amazon for your electronic reading pleasure! I am now officially a published author!

From the Editorial Notes on Amazon:

Jessica Fleitman’s “Amber Wong-Cohen” is the story of a woman who yearns to be loved unconditionally. Finally finding acceptance from her husband’s family, Amber develops a special relationship with her sister-in-law Kayla—but will her crumbling marriage ruin her chance at being happy for the first time? Fleitman’s “Amber Wong-Cohen” is a moving tale of unexpected joy and loss.

From the Mixer Publishing announcement on their Facebook page:

...we have Jessica Fleitman's "Amber Wong-Cohen," a powerful story of a woman's search for identity and unconditional love. Fleitman captures the interiority of her character with a grace and complexity that reveals her as a writer with an almost preternatural ability at comprehending human emotion. Order now!

CHECK OUT AMBER WONG-COHEN HERE!

Mixer Publishing is releasing what they're calling "singles" from of Love & Death: An Anthology of Literary Romance & Realism in the days leading up to the launch of their site (which will be here). In the mean time, follow the countdown on Mixer Publishing's Facebook page or click here to read all the other great singles from the anthology!

Back from Coney!

2011-06-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hey Friends!

The Coney Island Mermaid Parade was TOO MUCH FUN. Despite the fact that Adam Richman did NOT become my best friend ever (I didn't even see him! Boo!), it was a day full of happiness and mermaids!

I already wrote all about it on the Mer-Blog and posted tons of awesome pictures and don't feel like repeating myself, so check it out here: http://avgmermaid.blogspot.com/.

The Mer-Blog does leave one unanswered question: Did Jessica get her Nathan's hot dog, as intended?

AWWW YEAAAAH! Mission accomplished! Not pictured is the GIANT BOX of cheese fries that I decided were necessary in my life for some reason. In the end, I couldn't finish them all, but gosh-dangit if I didn't try!

MERMAID Swims into the NY Fringe this August!

2011-06-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

Been awhile since I've posted on here. Oy! Life's been one epic Conga Line of Crazy Busy Times, and that's in large part because...

drum roll...

...........

.........................................

..........................................................

The Average-Sized Mermaid has been accepted into the New York International Fringe Festival! YAAAAAY!

I've been wanting to participate in The Fringe for a couple of years now, so I'm ridiculously excited to be involved! They don't give us our show dates or venue until a little later, but it'll definitely be going up in Manhattan sometime in August!

OFFICIAL Fringe info block for their website!
And check out our show-listing HERE (scroll to the bottom)!

Mind the Gap Theatre will be producing the show, with awesome artistic director/founder Paula D'Alessandris in the director's chair. Mind the Gap usually only produces plays by British playwrights with all-British casts, so I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm an American hero (although you may, if you'd like), but I will say the following: TAKE THAT, RED COATS! Score one for the home team!

O'er the raaaaaamparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming....

We even have a cool graphic already, courtesy of graphic-design rock star Chris Espiritu:

That's a mermaid in a wheelchair, sucka!

We just finished auditions yesterday and are in the process of casting. New York be full of talented actors, guys. Fo realz. I can't believe I'm in the process of casting this show for the THIRD TIME, and I STILL can't believe how this show's continued to have a life beyond anything I imagined when I wrote the one-act back in 2008 (three years ago! OHMYGOD I'M OLD!). I feel like I've somehow tricked everyone, but I'm kind of okay with it.

A poster from Mermaid's humble beginnings,
when it was an adorable guppy of a play. Sigh.

Also, I'm going to avoid inundating you with too much mer-citement (excitement for mermaids; look it up) by attempting to limit my mer-posts to the production's OFFICIAL MER-BLOG (click here!), so please follow us there! It's still under mer-struction, but once we're cast and we officially launch our fundraising campaign (more on that soon!), you can expect lots of mer-updates!

I'll also try to limit the number of things I attempt to make relevant to our production by putting the word "mer" in front of them, but no promises.

A mer bottle-opener. Just because.
And yes, I do actually own this. Don't judge.

Additionally, we have a Twitter page, which is hilarious because I don't actually know how to use it, since apparently I'm a grandma from 1922 and don't understand these new-fangled contraptions. Please follow us... that's why you kids say, right? "Follow?"... on there, and join me on my no doubt typo-laden journey through unfamiliar social media.

PICTURED ABOVE: A headless stick-figure, seated. I think. Maybe.
Seriously, WTF IS THIS???

I also may be changing the look of this blog around a little over the next few weeks or so, so don't get scared, readers. I know all 19 of you depend on my blog for consistency and balance in your lives (I'm probably causing mass anxiety because I posted for the first time in 85 years, for example), so I wanted to give you fair warning* in order to avoid mass panic. BECAUSE I CARE. You're welcome.

Tomorrow we're heading to The Mermaid Parade at Coney Island to do some mer-publicity. I've never been to the Mermaid Parade OR Coney Island so I'm pretty dang excited!

A picture I found online from last year's parade.
I really hope these two are back this year.

Also, the ORIGINAL NATHAN'S HOT DOG STAND is located in Coney Island!!! The beach, people dressed as mermaids, AND processed meat? Truly, it is a paradise. I may never come home. And according to the Coney Island website, Adam Richman from Travel Channel's Man V. Food is this year's King Neptune! I can only assume he will be incredibly not-busy with his royal duties and we will meet and become best buddies forever and always!

Yes, Adam. I too am open. FOR FRIENDSHIP.

Anyone else going to the Mermaid Parade? If so, we'll see you there! And just so you know, I resisted my natural urge to write "SEA you there" because I knew that was a step too far. YOU'RE WELCOME.

*Other fair warning: I might become too busy** to actually accomplish this.
** Lazy

A Boring Third-Person Narrative About an Excellent Day

2011-03-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl who had an AWESOME day. Even though it literally rained AND snowed AND hailed AND stormed with thunder and lightning though out the day on which this story takes place, nothing could make that day suck.

Winkerdoo!

The girl began a new day job, and it was excellent. Everyone was super nice and she felt happy for the entire work day. Also, there were bagels.

Yesssssss.

When work was over, the girl met roomiefriend Starr Kirkland at an awesome bookstore in Brooklyn where literary rock-star E.L. Doctorow read a new short story. While waiting for the reading to start, the girl's awesome cousin randomly appeared because she was in the neighborhood and she remembered the girl was planning to be there. It was a happy meeting.

E.L. Doctorow then read some stuff, and of course it was awesome. During the question-and-answer portion of the program, the girl asked Doctorow what his writing process was like and if he wrote every day. He said he did (which made the girl feel lame) and that sometimes you just sit in front of your computer for hours doing nothing (which made the girl feel better). He then asked the girl what she wrote, and she giggled in a dumb way that is completely at odds with her normal sophistication and cool before whispering "Plays. And... short stories" in a weird and quiet voice that probably made him feel afraid for his life. He then signed his book for the girl, and also a copy for the girl's mommy.

And everyone lived happily ever after, especially the girl, because roomiefriend Starr Kirkland snapped this picture:

Pictured: E.L. Doctorow and me, smiling at each other in mutual admiration

Not pictured: My stomach full of awesome THAI FOOD, which makes everything even better!

Two Readings this Week!

2011-03-06T10:46:00.001-08:00

Hello, Internet!

I'm very excited to tell you that I have two readings coming up this week: G Train Exodus will be part of Pipeline Theatre Company's "Whisper and Shout!" reading series for one-act plays on Monday (tomorrow, March 7th!), and I've been invited to do a reading of The Average-Sized Mermaid this Thursday (March 10th) as part of Manhattan Theatre Source's "Source of Women" Week, in honor of Women's History Month!

I'm honored to take part in both of these events and I hope you'll be able to join me! And no worries if you're short on cash: both events are suggested donation/pay what you can!

Event details below:

G TRAIN EXODUS

Written by Jessica Fleitman
Directed by Havilah Imfeld

Monday, March 7 @ 8:00 pm
Theater for the New City
155 First Ave.

The story of a failed artist who tries to leave New York City forever, and the subway train that won't let her go. A tale of transformation and transportation.

Featuring Seth Andrew Bridges and Megan Linde

Part of Pipeline Theatre Company's "Whisper and Shout!" Reading Series. Click here for more information.

THE AVERAGE-SIZED MERMAID

Graphic courtesy of Christopher Espiritu

Written by Jessica Fleitman
Directed by Paula D'Allesandris

Thursday, March 10th at 7:00 pm
Manhattan Theatre Source
177 MacDougal Street (btwn 8th and Waverly)

When an outspoken kindergarten teacher magically transforms into a mermaid, she suddenly finds herself the figurehead of a feminist movement. But she soon discovers that you need to be careful what you fish for...

Featuring Kathy Searle, Vinnie Penna, Tom Bain, Ruthie Stephens, Hywel John & Emily Kenyon Scott

Part of Manhattan Theatre Source's "Source of Women" Week in honor of Women's History Month. For more information on the reading, click here. For more information on "Source of Women," click here.

DEUTERANOMALY in the InGenius 2011 Short Play Festival

2011-01-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

My journey toward Being a Legitimate Playwright continues, while my journey toward Shameless Self Promotion has momentarily stalled: I have a play in a festival that's been running for a week, and I'm just now publicizing it here. For shame, Fleitman!

The 10 minute version of Deuteranomaly is currently playing in the InGenius Festival at Manhattan Theatre Source, once again directed by the lovely Ms. Havilah Imfeld and featuring Sue Berch* and Charlie Fersko* (* member AEA).

NYtheatre.com had some nice things to say about the festival and production:

"Manhattan Theatre Source's InGenius Short Play Festival is further proof that this intimate space is one of New York's most important theatres. An evening of short plays under fifteen minutes, the festival displays the talents of both vibrant young artists and seasoned pros. It is a great showcase for the tremendous diversity that is New York's Indie Theater scene.

Many of the evening's best pieces keep their scope as tight as their running time...

Deuteranomoly, by Jessica Fleitman, also boasts a deceptively simple plotline: A 40-ish Jewish couple debates what to do about their son's color blindness. What is little more than an off-hand conversation becomes a rich comedy of ideas in Fleitman's hands. The play is both a warm glimpse at modern parenting and an examination of the deathly seriousness that lies at the heart of Jewish humor. And the actors who play the arguers, Sue Berch and Charlie Fersko, have the killer chemistry of an actual married couple."

Thanks , NYTheatre.com! I myself haven't seen the production yet (Annoying Life Things have unfortunately limited my involvement to two rehearsals and an open dress... curse you, Annoying Life Things!), but I'll take it! You can read the full review of the festival here.

You can buy tickets and find more information about InGenius 2011 on the Manhattan Theatre Source website, but I'm including the information below just in case you're supremely lazy and hate to click links. I'm nothing if not accommodating. You're welcome.

InGenius 2011
Voices from the Writer's Forum

Wed. – Sat., January 12-22 at 8:00pm
Sat., January 22 at 3:00pm

Manhattan Theatre Source
177 MacDougal Street
New York, NY 10011
Betw. Waverly Place and W. 8th St.
(1 block north of Washington Square Park)
A/C/E, or B/D/F/V to W. 4th St.

Tickets: $18

The evening of eight short plays penned by the members of the Source Writers’ Forum also includes:

What Is This?
written by Jen Thatcher
directed by DeLisa White
featuring James Edward Becton* & Bennett Harrell

Lips Upon Cheeks
written by Alaina Hammond
directed by Michael Bordwell
featuring Ken Coughlin & Jessica Lynn Jennings

Impossible to Leave
written by Laura Schlachtmeyer
directed by Lory Henning
featuring Julie Allen, Robin Kurtz*, Mark Levy, Ross Pivec

Destination
written by Vivian Neuwirth
directed by Lee Gundersheimer
featuring Rebecca Davis, Vivian Neuwirth*, Steven Schnetzer*

Misery, Apathy, Despair
written by John McKinney
directed by DeLisa White
featuring Elizabeth Fountain, Annalisa Loeffler*, Greg Oliver Bodine*, Quinn Warren

My Baby
written and directed by Vincent Marano
featuring James Armstrong*, Lauren Williams, Tod Engle*

I, Carpenter
written by Greg Oliver Bodine
directed by Leah Bonvissuto
featuring Greg Oliver Bodine* & Michael Selkirk*

* denotes Actors' Equity

The Flatmancrooked Fiction Prize: The Results!

2010-11-15T21:12:00.000-08:00

So the results are in for the 2010 Flatmancrooked Fiction Prize, judged by Benjamin Percy, and I'm pleased to announce that "Amber Wong-Cohen" was selected as second runner-up!

This is the first short story I've sent out into the world, and I'm honored that it placed with distinction in such an impressive group of finalists (seriously, Google the other writers. Legitimacy all around the town). I look forward to reading all the finalists' stories as they're published this year, and I'll definitely update here with more information on "Amber Wong-Cohen" once I know the publishing schedule.

Click here to read the official announcement of the contest results on the Flatmancrooked website.

G Train Wrap-Up and the Flatmancrooked Fiction Prize

2010-11-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

So "G Train Exodus" came and went, and unlike the actual train in the play's title, it was a fast and exhilarating ride.

The weird thing about being a playwright is that you're kind of anonymous; you sit in the audience and hear their reactions--and their post-show discussions--unfiltered, because they have no idea who you are. Naturally, this could go very wrong and your feelings could be very hurt, because someone right next to you could turn to their friend and say, "Well, THAT was stupid and the playwright is probably chubby" or "I thought Jews were supposed to be funny." Thankfully, this went very right, more right than I could have hoped, right in a way that the memory of it will probably sustain me through the days when the little devil on my shoulder tells me how much I suck and that I should give up on this whole playwriting thing. So thank you, Audience Members Who Didn't Know Who I Was. You may not know it, but you live on my shoulder now and are involved in an ongoing holy war in my brain.

Think that pitchfork is a match for an entire New York audience?
Your days are numbered, butt head.

There were also some wonderful audience members who made an effort to find out who I was post-show and contact me, which was really lovely. And some people who I hadn't heard from in years somehow saw the play and got back in touch with me (the theater world is crazy small!). In fact, this whole experience has made me feel eerily legitimate. I think I even got a few opportunities out of it (I don't want to get into too much detail here in case things don't pan out, but hopefully I'll have more details coming soon!).

The entire festival was really wonderful and I saw a lot of great work and met a lot of talented and fun people. The entire thing had so much integrity and I have a lot of respect for Manhattan Theatre Source and the EstroGenius Festival. They are sincere in their commitment to provide quality opportunities to artists in the off-off Broadway community. I would definitely recommend them to any playwright looking for a legitimate, well-produced festival to showcase their work (unlike the Strawberry One Act Festival; you can read my rant regarding that doo doo ca ca here).

And I'm happy to report I've been invited to join their weekly Writers' Forum, which brings my writing group total up to three (!). I'm excited that this festival led to a relationship with a company that I really respect, and I'm happy I don't have to stop hanging around the theater every week. No post-show withdrawal for me!

When all is said and done, I'm just really proud of this production, and especially thankful for my director and actors. They made me love being the playwright in the room. Because just like on the actual G Train, the journey is so much more fun when you have friends along for the ride.

The creative team of G Train Exodus.
From left to right: Seth Andrew Bridges, me, Havilah Imfeld, and Julia Falamas

****

Flatmancrooked is a kick-ass literary magazine that I read when I'm procrastinating on my own work (aka, all the time). They are unique in that the writing on their site is actually, you know, good. Like, really good. Fiction used to be my bread and butter, and the work on their site never fails to make me feel guilty for turning my back on short stories because their featured authors remind me of the fantastic possibilities of the medium. In short, they're inspiring.

So this year when they announced that they were accepting submissions for their annual fiction prize, I figured, what the hell? I dusted off a favorite short story from college, expanded it and deepened it in a (hopefully) interesting way while retaining the general arc and feel, and sent it in. And boy, am I glad I did.

I can't believe I didn't post this before because I'm usually on the ball when it comes to shameless self-promotion, but my short story, "Amber Wong-Cohen," is a finalist for the Flatmancrooked Fiction Prize! I'm honored to be recognized by such a fantastic magazine (seriously, check them out, and I'm not just saying that because I'm a finalist in this contest. I've been a fan for years and they are awesome).

Their fiction prize is so awesome that it has its own graphic!

And while it would be great to win, "10 finalists will receive print publication in Flatmancrooked 4, designation as a 2010 Flatmancrooked Prize Finalist, and online feature" (copy lovingly stolen from the Flatmancrooked website). Which means that no matter what, I'm getting published both online and in print. Which means I win no matter what.

I'll definitely post details here as these things come to pass (which could be awhile). I'm excited to share this story with you via Flatmancrooked!

***

So it's been a great couple of months writing-wise. And while I'll have my ups and downs (I'm currently experiencing a bout of writer's block the size of the Chrysler Building, for example), I know I'm on the right track. And the affirmation from one of my recent posts is getting easier to say:

"I am a playwright who works during the day. I am not an administrator who writes plays at night."

And now I can add "fiction writer" in there as well. Kick ass.

On to the next one!

G TRAIN EXODUS: The Shameless Plug

2010-10-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

A little while back, I started writing this crazy little play about a failed New York artist and a talking subway train. And then the deadline for this awesome festival called EstroGenius came up, and I was like, "Damn it. I wish I could submit this talking train play, but it's not ready."

To which I responded, "Listen, Self. Submit it anyway. Let the producers of EstroGenius tell you it's not ready."

So I did, and the producers of EstroGenius were like, "It's not ready."

To which I was like, "Damn. They noticed."

But the producers continued, "But we feel like it's ALMOST ready. We had three other plays that we felt were almost ready, so we want to do a reading of them all and have the audience vote on the winner, which will then be produced in the EstroGenius festival."

And I was like, "Hell YES!" Or something equally professional and restrained.

So G TRAIN EXODUS had the honor of receiving a staged reading at Manhattan Theatre Source in July alongside three great plays, and it received the additional honor of being voted audience favorite.

To make life even more awesome, the producers then assigned the illustrious Havilah Imfeld (of DEUTERANOMALY and Being My Friend from College fame) to direct, without even knowing we knew each other. And then Seth Andrew Bridges decided he hadn't yet had his fill of awkward Fleitman monologues in MERMAID and decided to take a shot at being a subway train. And then this cool actress named Julia Falamas showed up and was like, "I'm talented and fun."

Rehearsals are a lot of fun because I basically get to hang out with people I already knew I enjoyed collaborating with, plus one new person who's also really great. Can't really ask for more than that. I'm very excited to be part of such a wonderful festival and I think it's going to be a great little show.

Without further ado, here's actual advertising copy, lovingly stolen from the Facebook event:

G TRAIN EXODUS

The story of a failed artist who tries to leave New York City forever, and the subway train that won't let her go. A tale of transformation and transportation.

Written by Jessica Fleitman
Directed by Havilah Imfeld

Starring:
Seth Andrew Bridges as G Train
Julia Falamas as Little Passenger

Featuring:
Your Butt in a Seat, Cheering Wildly*

Manhattan Theatre Source’s EstroGenius Festival, an annual celebration of female voices, is one of New York City’s largest women’s arts festivals.

As the AUDIENCE FAVORITE from the Estro-in-Progress reading, G TRAIN EXODUS is featured in Estro Encores Week and runs:

Wednesday, October 27 (8 pm)
Thursday, October 28 (8 pm)
Friday, October 29 (8 pm)
Saturday, October 30 (3pm and 8pm)

Tickets are $18 and can be purchased HERE.

*Please note that we mean you will be cheering wildly while your butt is in a seat, and not that your butt itself is required to cheer wildly. Your butt, however, is welcome to cheer if it so desires.

Anyway, you should come see it if you're around. I think it's going to be cool.

Oh Oh it's.... Magic? Ya Know?

2010-09-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

So I haven't updated on here for a long while, because I get busy and I get intimidated by people who are good at blogging and update consistently. People like Steven Wishnack, who always writes something entertaining and manages to do so at least once a day. Literally, the guy seems to pull literary gold out of his butt. No wonder the guy has an entire segment dedicated to poop.

But then I thought about one of my other favorite blogs, written by friend Emily Scott. Emily does stream of consciousness. Events from her day. Thoughts on her life. And it's charming. I don't mean "charming" in a condescending way; I hate that the word "charming" has become diminutive and dismissive, I mean charming the way people used to mean charming... delightful, using charm, exercising magic power. Yes, that's it. There's magic in Emily's writing. There's magic in Steven's too. And maybe, just maybe, I can write what I feel like writing when I feel like writing it and there'll be some magic there, too.

****

My mom has just learned to text. By all accounts, she's a reasonably tech-savvy person for someone of the pre-internet generation... went back to an office job and learned Outlook and Excel well into her forties... but she can't seem to get the hang of texting.

Hi jess /many spaces/ running late
/strange indent/ need new mtg place
call Please

Every message has weird spaces, inconsistent and unnecessary capitalization. Every message, an unintentional e.e. cummings poem.

****

It's taken me awhile to get behind the peasant-style dress fashion. I'm talking about those dresses with gathering beneath the breasts, that don't accentuate the waist.

I always liked how it looked on others, but worried it'd look like maternity wear on me. But one day, I saw an uber cute dress at Urban Outfitters in the peasant style, and I caved.

Cut to: Today. Busy subway. Seats are hard to come by. I am wearing the Cute Peasant Dress from the Back Story. A handsome older man sits down, looks at me. He stands up and offers me his seat. I decline but thank him.

My first thought: "Wow, chivalry is not dead!"

My second thought: "Does he think I'm pregnant?"

Which doesn't cancel out the first thought, but is a lot less flattering.

Allow me to simplify the world unfairly for a moment, for my own pretentious self-aggrandizement.

There are two kinds of people: Artists and Normal People.

Normal People go to their job, then they come home and eat dinner.

Artists go to their job, go out and write/act/paint/sing/etc, then come home and eat dinner.

It takes more to nourish an Artist. Not that Normal People and Artists don't both supplement their lives with friends, lovers, families, vacations, etc. But the Artist always needs whatever the Normal Person needs, plus the Art. It's like that game I used to play with other kids when I was feeling obnoxious, "I'm whatever you say, PLUS ONE!" Artists are used to Plus One.

So when the writing doesn't happen, you don't feel full, no matter how much you eat. You're used to being nourished in a way that eludes you. I eat less when the writing's good.

Lately, I've been eating a lot.

So I need to get back into the writing so I won't have to question the motives behind unexpected subway chivalry. That, or stop wearing peasant-style dresses.

****

Just finished an E.L. Doctorow novel called City of God. He's great. I love him. He wrote Ragtime and Book of Daniel. Every book he writes is the way a book's supposed to be, it moves you and makes you laugh and takes you somewhere outside of your normal life that somehow informs it once the book is over. He is genuinely inspiring because he is deeply, irrepressibly human, human in the way too few people are. Human in the way Vonnegut was. They love us, the human race, and they're terrified by what we've done and what we might do. They believe we can do better. We need more writers like that.

I asked him a question at a reading once, went right up to the microphone and asked him what he thought of the musical adaptation of Ragtime, which is what got me into Doctorow in the first place. I knew he hated Hollywood, but as a writer of plays who loves his novels, I wanted to hear what he thought of theater, what he thought of his story on stage and in song.

"I think they captured the essence of the novel," Doctorow said to me, which was exciting because it allowed me to one day write the words Doctorow said to me and not have it be fiction. "I think the music's beautiful. And it's coming back to Broadway, which means royalties."

In person, Doctorow is unassuming, articulate, funny as hell. He looks like the cool Jewish grandpa I always wanted. And that effortless humanity informs everything.

But this book, City of God, is about God. And, to paraphrase a Tony Kushner line from Angels in America, "It has to do with God, so it isn't very nice."

I mean, some of it is nice, but there's a whole section about the Holocaust. Which is difficult to read. Because he has such hope for humanity, but here's this overwhelming evidence of how much we've sucked and continue to suck.

It made me think about when I was young and was learning about the Holocaust, the way it fit into my life and the history of the Jewish people. The way we as a community seem to come into the world with the hurt of all those lives lost, and the loneliness of all the conversations we'll never have with the people we'll never meet because the potential for their existence and the existence of their parents and their parents was extinguished long ago. I have lost teachers, mentors, friends, maybe even the nice Jewish boy I could have fallen in love with. To quote Kushner out of context again, we've been robbed of decades of majesty.

But when I was young and trying to understand it, I did what I always did and still do when I want to understand something: I write about it. I get it on a piece of paper or a computer screen, pin it down like a butterfly to cork in hops of examining it, dissecting the parts, making it knowable.

I would write Holocaust stories. I would write them without doing research. I would try to think of the most evil things people could do to other people, and I'd make it part of my Holocaust story. And the problem was, any horrific thing I could conceive, the worst horrors of my imagination, always turned out to be historically accurate. Burning down a hospital with the patients still inside. Check. Cruel experiments on babies. Check. Any awful thing I could think of. Check.

I kept thinking, there has to be something man has imagined that he has not acted upon, that despite circumstance and context he finds personally and morally un-doable. There has to be a limit. But time and time again, I found it was not so. There is no awful thing we haven't done to each other, and if there is, we'll soon remedy the situation.

****

Back to the subway. An old couple is walking in front of me. They are slow but I don't mind, because old couples are cute.

"How cute," I think.

But then I notice they're not holding hands. And then I'm pissed off. Because they're slow and I've got another train to catch.

Come on, Old People. Either be a symbol of eternal love, or get out of my way.

****

Revelation: My two best friends at work are named John and Paul. My roommate is named Starr. If I meet a George, it's all over. If I meet a George, we'll probably get married.

****

Jessica's necessary affirmation to herself for her New York life:

"I am a playwright who works during the day. I am not an administrator who writes plays at night."

Repeat on those stressful work days. Repeat when you try to justify not writing because you're too tired from the day. Repeat so you can remember who you are and why you're here.

VICTORY!!!

2010-01-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

WEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIEENNNNDSSS... BUM BUM BUM....

Imagine me taking a small but well-deserved victory lap around my tiny Brooklyn apartment as I sing the above, because you are reading the blog of a winner. That's right, folks: eight hours ago, Mr. Tracy Woodward posted the following words on my facebook wall: "I surrender!"

So, just for the record, the "we" that Queen is referring to in the above song lyric does not include Tracy. He is not a champion, nor did he keep on fighting till the end. Also, if you are a loser, he may possibly have some time for you.

I kid, I kid. Partner in Crime, you know I love ya.

Remember that night we looked like inbred half-siblings and for some reason I was drinking Milwaukee's Best? Good times. Goooood times.

I would have most likely screwed up as well if not for my friend Steven keeping me honest (see yesterday's post for clarification). Tracy, what you needed was a Steven Wishnack. But really, don't we all? Don't we all... *looks out over the ocean in a pretentious and enigmatic way as the sun sets cinematically in the background*

So the next time we're in the same time zone, Tracy owes me some din-dins. And get ready, because I'm ordering a drink AND dessert. Oh yeah.

Saved from Failure

2010-01-13T21:45:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Mr. Steven Wishnack (whose kick-ass blog you can find here) for reminding me to post today. You are an important ally in this battle, my friend.

After work today, I took what was meant to be a 30 minute nap but was in reality a five-hour sleep marathon, which meant I almost missed posting today. Hooray for messing up my sleep schedule!

I am glad to continue the proud tradition of discussing how sleepy I am on this blog, as opposed to actually sleeping. I should re-title this thing, "Jessica Talks about How She is Sleepy in a Boring Way," because that's kind of what this blog has become. This is what happens when I take on a blog challenge during the busiest time ever. So if you're bored, it's probably Tracy's fault. Somehow.

Icky Sicky

2010-01-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

The problem with taking a sick day is that you are sick, and therefore can't do anything fun and/or productive with your day home from work. Instead, you just lay around feeling sick. Such was the case today. Lame.

I did watch some Sabrina the Teenage Witch, so the day had the potential to not be a total loss, except that it was one of the awkward episodes when Sabrina's older and goes to college and dates guys who are way less cute than Harvey. Again, I say: lame.

And his last name's "Kinkle." Possibly Jewish? Hooray, my mom will approve! I hear wedding bells!

Luckily, tonight was supposed to be a night off from rehearsal anyway, so sickness didn't get in the way. It did, however, slow down some rewrites. Wish me a speedy recovery, friends! Goodnight for now.

"Woman Author" Makes Good!

2010-01-11T21:18:00.001-08:00

Work, rehearsal, tired... you know the drill. In happy news, some "Mermaid" publicity hit today!

We got a mention at NYTheatre.com. It's especially delightful because I am searchable by keyword "Woman Author," which is an accurate but kind of strange way of thinking about myself. Also, if you click her e and search my name, you'll notice that I'm wedged right in between Carrie Fisher and Horton Foote, which means I am clearly in the same league as the both of them. Thank you, Last Name Being Fleitman! Alphabetical win!

All playwrights own the slave girl outfit pictured above! Carrie pulls it off a little better than I do; however, I pull it off better than Horton, so it's all relative.

We also got a mention on Playbill.com. It's the first time I've thought about the play in the capacity of "Off-Broadway," and what that means, if anything. It's also the first time I've ever thought about how our lead actress, Michelle Concha, has a last name that is reminiscent of "conch shell," which is mermaid-like and fun. There have been a lot of meaningful discoveries today, is basically what I'm trying to communicate.

Also, our show-related graphic is awesome times. See below for evidence:

I promise this blog will one day become more than a forum for self-promotion/complaining about how I'm sleepy, but until that time, CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS AS I NAP.

Pretty Cast

2010-01-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

Just got back from rehearsal (a fun one!), it's after midnight, and I have Day Job at 8:30 am tomorrow. Bleh. Take a look at how pretty the cast of "Average-Sized Mermaid" is (minus one member) as I make my escape to sleepy town.

From left to right: Christiane Seidel, Jimmy Allen, Michelle Concha, Seth Bridges, Starr Kirkland
Behind the actors: Sea, Brooklyn Skyline
Surrounding the actors: Twelve Degree Freezing Weather

Aren't they cute? Fun trivia: they were told to wear dark colors for this shoot. This was the result. Oh, Actors.

Failure to the Max

2010-01-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

After 9 hours of Day Job (don't ask) and 3 hours of rehearsal, I certainly passed out last night without writing a blog entry. BLAST. Mr. Sun peeked through the window this morning and gently kissed my eyelids as if to say, "Arise, dear one, and face your failure."

But alas, joy of joys! I signed on to my computer this morning, only to realize that Mr. Woodward had skipped January 8 as well! This is an important lesson about failure, children: you can't fail if everyone around you sucks just as much. So thanks, Tracy!

Pictured: Failures

Our mutual failure allows for the mutual continuation of this challenge. HUZZAH!

No Writing and Internets

2010-01-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

So I had a whole snarky funny little post worked out in my head, and I'm too beat after work/rehearsal to write it. DAMNATION. This blog challenge is fast becoming a forum to write about why I'm not writing. Truly engaging stuff.

In some happy Internetland News, you can now find a little database of my plays here. It's the site you never wanted, coming straight atcha!

Also, tickets for "Average-Sized Mermaid" are now OFFICIALLY on sale at theatermania.com! Please come see it... I promise it doth not suck.

I hope you have enjoyed this blog of writing about websites about my writing. I promise to return to actual writing someday when Free Time chooses to be a feature of my daily life once again.

A Rare Moment of Activism from Fleitman

2010-01-06T21:06:00.001-08:00

I'm not usually a fan of "let's put part of our legal process on TV so everyone can posture to the lowest common denominator," but the newest petition to get the Prop 8 trials televised is something I can get behind. I feel like people do their absolute best to keep the human face off of the same-sex rights issue, and I like to believe that deep down humans actually care about their fellow humans (despite staggering evidence to the contrary).

So let's ensure that the human face of this issue is the one we see, and that we can see the faces of those who'd deprive their fellow men and women of their civil rights as well. Click here to sign the petition for accountability and transparency. Thanks, folks.

Sweet Mermaid Dreams and Hearts and Sappy Crappers

2010-01-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

Flying high after the first production rehearsal for "Average-Sized Mermaid!" After 85 gatrillion rewrites, it's lovely to hear it out loud and know that at least some of it's working. And I'm in love with the production team and cast. Seriously, I feel little cartoon hearts coming out of my head sometimes because I love everyone so darn much.

Being a playwright is awesome because you get to see this thing that only existed in your head suddenly exist in three living, breathing dimensions. Think of the coolest dream you ever had, and then having a bunch of people say, "Wow, that dream DOES sound cool. Let's try to recreate it in the coolest way possible." Being a playwright is watching your dreams get handed back to you. It is the best experience in the world.

Can't wait to see what this dream's going to look like when we open in a month. Kick ass.

Now, back to rewrites!

A Trip to Fiji

2010-01-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I had the unspoken desire to drink Fiji water. The bottle was just so pretty. While my normal Poland Spring depicted a chilly mountaintop that looked like an effort to climb, Fiji water was a tropical oasis, a vacation spot, a float through a magical mermaid grotto.

I was convinced that Fiji water must taste better than all other water. I imagined beautiful natives lovingly fishing the water out with a vase before lovingly emptying the serum into the magical bottle.

Little Jessica's ideas of how people lived in other countries were informed by a 30-second scene in the documentary film, "The Jungle Book." Also, did you know bears can talk and monkeys want to be just like us? IT'S TRUE!

I don't know why I never asked my mom to buy it for me. I think I imagined she'd say something like, "It's just WATER, who cares? CLEAN YOUR ROOM," because when you're little it's fun to imagine that your mom is like an evil stepmother in storybooks, because that way, if you do something bad and she yells at you, it's because she's EVIL, not because you were being a jerk. So my childhood went by, Fiji-free. Thanks a lot, Made-Up-Version-of-my-Mom.

I have a Starbucks gift card. It's literally 12 degrees in the city. Any reasonable young woman in my position would buy herself something hot and caffeinated. But today, when I stopped in the drug store by my work, Fiji called. Who needs a hot drink when you've got a vacation in a bottle?

It was refreshing in only the way a satisfied curiosity can be refreshed.

Next time, Starbucks.

Day 3: The Cop-Out Begins

2010-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Remember when Tracy said the daily posts needn't be "long, original, or clever?"

Well, here we go. I'm up to my eyeballs in play re-writes (details coming soon!), so today's just going to have to be that day. Bleh. Poopsicles.

Here is a link to a funny video to assuage you. Enjoy.

Blog Battle: Day 2

2010-01-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone. Welcome to Day Two of the Battle Royale between myself and Tracy Woodward, in which I am already out of ideas. But don't tell him that. Let's just keep this between you and me, Internet. Ssshhhh.

The last time I was updating on a semi-regular basis, I was in full-swing with the Strawberry One-Act Festival. Maybe some of you would care to hear what happened. We did not make it to finals, and I know that saying "we were shafted!" is the oldest and whiniest trick in The Playwright Book, but here we go... "we were shafted." Now that it's done and nothing I say up here can affect the outcome, let me say once and for all that this festival is Doo Doo Ca Ca. I am sorry to be using such offensive language on this family-friendly blog, but I just can't help the way I feel.

Every play was supposed to be kept to a thirty-minute maximum. As I occasionally care about rules and requirements, I timed the play myself before submitting it to the festival, and made cuts as appropriate. Havilah, the director, also cared about rules and requirements, and she ran it for time before our one hour tech in the theater. So color me surprised when we get to our tech, and there is no representative of the theater there to time it.

"Hmm," Me says to Myself, "That's weird! It's like we could just do whatever we want, and no one would care!"

Sadly, everyone else decided to not care. The semi-finals before us ran an hour over schedule. AN HOUR. That's an hour of standing in a hot, un-air-conditioned lobby, wondering what gives. And this was a Tuesday night, meaning people had work the next day, and we weren't scheduled to begin until 9:00 as it was, and at 10:00 pm we were still hanging out in the lobby, waiting to be admitted into the theater. It seems pretty intuitive that someone should have maybe made some sort of announcement letting us know what the hell was going on, but nope. And once we were finally admitted to the theater, any apology or explanation from the staff? Noperoo!

The lateness caused us to brush up against a huge crazy-time thunder storm that shook the building, but only for exactly thirty minutes before stopping completely. Guess who has two thumbs and a play that performed during exactly that time? THIS GIRL! (Note: For joke to work, you must imagine me pointing to myself with my thumbs). You could barely hear the play, which is kind of a problem because "Deuteranomaly" has, you know, dialogue and a plot and stuff. To be fair, there ARE lines of dialogue meant to be spoken by God (I'm serious), so I think maybe the Real God got overexcited about his dialogue and chimed in and accidentally upstaged the rest of the cast. I appreciate his enthusiasm and he has a great presence, but it was quite distracting.

Then we went on to the rest of the four plays, which were all forty minutes or longer. The last play was legit FIFTY-FIVE MINUTES. Keep in mind that we did not begin until about 10:20, there were five plays, and one of them was almost an hour long. What. The. Hell.

It's probably unnecessary to mention that all the other plays except for one were actually God-awful, but here we go: all the other plays except for one were actually God-awful. It was beyond frustrating to sit for hours and watch a bunch of plays that, by the rules of the festival, should never have been admitted in the first place. I felt weirdly disrespected.

It was the wee hours of the morn by the time the show finished (like actually 1:00am on a Tuesday), so anyone I'd invited to support it had to leave before they could vote at the end, because they have jobs they occasionally like to go to in the morning and stuff and had already spent at least four hours or so at the theater by that point. So, I repeat, "We were shafted."

I was relieved to be done with this Doo Doo Ca Ca until Justin Gillman had to go and get his ass nominated for Best Actor. I was actually very happy that Justin's Ass was being recognized for all of its fantastic work in the play and wanted to support it, which unfortunately meant that I had to attend finals and watch a bunch of plays that again should never have even been admitted due to time limits alone, let alone content/execution.

The highlight of the day was truly when Van Dirk Fisher, the "mastermind" behind the festival, came out in a white tux and told us all that he had written a song he wanted to dedicate to all the participants in the festival. A woman came out, and sang the following to the tune of "Nature Boy."

"There was a boy. A very... talented boy. And he had a visiooonnn... to creeeaaate... a one-act festivaaaaal."

If you know the tune of "Nature Boy" and you don't feel like those lyrics quite match up, that's because they don't. People, let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've heard a poorly sung, non-rhyming love letter by Van Dirk Fisher to himself. Justin and I had to maturely pretend that we were somewhere else in order to get through it. I don't know where Justin went, but I mentally went to Hawaii. It was pleasant.

On a hilarious note, a little while ago, I checked out the video Starr and I had made to promote "Deuteranomaly." When it was first put up, my dad had written, "The best YOUTUBE video EVER! Love, Dad." When I checked it last, Van had responded with, "Thanks I thought so too."

THANKS? Are you kidding me? Is there nothing for which this man will not take credit?

So many people I've met since this experience have told me they also got suckered into the Strawberry One Act Festival when they were new to the city. I've bonded with people at parties over how shitty it was. I realize it was a rite of passage, and I have since moved on to better things.

As Justin and I left the theater and made our way to the subway, we left Van and the Strawberry One-Act Festival behind as we walked past the off-Broadway houses, then the Broadway houses. I liked the direction we were heading. I choose to see it as a metaphor for our future lives, because why the hell not?

The Battle Begins

2010-01-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Folks!

It's been awhile since I've updated here, and I owe this newest post to a Mr. Tracy Woodward.

For those not in the know, Tracy is a friend from college who directed a one-act I wrote called "The Average-Sized Mermaid." Now, with any writer-director collaboration, there's an expectation that at some point tensions will arise, that you both care about the play so much that a (hopefully) small disagreement about how best to realize it on stage will rear its head. That's just the reality of creating theater.

While the other writer/director teams dealt with this reality, Tracy and I somehow skipped over it entirely and ended up in a happy fantasy land of eerily effortless collaboration. While everyone else was busy learning how to be good collaborators, we were busy frolicking under the Rainbow of Being on the Same Page All The Time. It was weird as hell, but damn was it fun.

Just look at the picture below. I defy you to find a Jewier writer/director team that can give a MORE awkward thumbs up while sweating profusely at an over-crowded college party.

"Now with TWICE the awkward Jew!"

Tracy is now in LA being a big serious director or whatever, which is too bad because I feel that if he directed my life, it would be far better than it is currently (at least the comedic timing would be much improved, I'm sure of that). So imagine my delight upon receipt of the following message from my partner in crime about a week ago:

"One of my new years resos is to do more writing. I loved blogging while I was doing it, but couldn't keep myself accountable and eventually gave myself excuses to stop. However, I really want a reason to get back to it. Competition always helps me get motivated.

So... let me know what you think about this. I say we make a bet. Let's challenge each other to each write one blog entry every day in January. Doesn't matter how long, original or clever. Just one act of blog-spotting every day next month. The more I think of it, this is more of an American Pie-ish pact than a bet. But anyway the point is I need a 'work-out buddy' for my writing. I thought of you instantly because I trust you, and my goal is to one day take my own writing as seriously as you take yours.

So think about it. If you want to accept my challenge, we can say if either party "loses" they buy the winner dinner next time we're in the same city, parish, or principality. Which, hopefully, will be sooner rather than later."

Potentially free dinner? A work-out that doesn't require actual physical working out? A challenge from an artist whom I respect? Game on. Expect a new blog post here every day for the coming month. Can't promise all of it will be good, but maybe this battle with Tracy will prove as effortless and fun as our collaboration once was. You can spy on the enemy by following Tracy's blog here.

I'd also like everyone to note that, according to Tracy's specifications that the post doesn't have to be "long, original, or clever," I could have just copied and pasted his message and called it a day, but I have (slightly) higher standards than that. The moral of the story is that I'm very dedicated and awesome. I mean, I think that's pretty clear from everything else you've read here, but just in case it wasn't, I didn't want anyone to miss out on this important message. You're welcome.

See you all tomorrow. Your move, Woodward.

WE WON!

2009-08-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm thrilled to announce that, despite my unwarranted freak-out, last night's audience voted DEUTERANOMALY into the semi-finals!

The festival started late (45 minutes! Ew! Why?) and it was literally 800 degrees in the lobby so people started to get super cranky. I was worried that the audience would be pissed off through the entire performance or that, by the time they got in the theater, they would have already waited so long that they no longer cared what was going on onstage.

I had a wonderful crowd of people supporting me last night (including my parents, my sister, her boyfriend, two of my cousins, my aunt, my family friends, my roommate, and a bunch of friends and people from my playwriting class) who would at least pretend to be awake during the show, but I got pretty nervous as I noticed the seat shift/bored cough/wandering eye phenomenon grow more and more intense as each play progressed. I knew there was a very real danger of the audience simply being too sleepy to give a crap once Deuteranomaly rolled around (we were the third play out of four).

Amazingly, the exact opposite of this occurred, and this is due to the amazing work of my actors. Quite simply, they're all just really fucking good. Ridiculously good. As they worked their magic, the seat shift/bored cough/wandering eye phenomenon grew less and less until it desisted entirely. People actually consistently laughed at jokes that were only funny if you'd been paying attention all along, so I was like, "Way to go, Audience! Gold star!" I would have been proud of my actors no matter what, but the fact that they could get a a bunch of over-heated, pissed-off people to become an audience that was truly invested in their characters is a true credit to their talent and hard work. I'm so glad they're going to have the opportunity to perform again (they really deserve it!), and hopefully under better conditions.

Come support them (And me! And Havilah Imfeld, my wonderful director!) by going to www.therianttheatre.com and buying some tickets for the Semi-Finals, Part 4, which will take place on Tuesday, August 18 at 9:00 pm at the Theatre at St. Clements (423 W. 46th St, between 9th and 10th Aves). We need your support, your energy, and your votes! Let's see how far we can take this thing!

None of this, however, means that I'm done with unnecessary freak-outs. In fact, I'm sure we can be expecting Unnecessary Freak-Out: Part 2 tomorrow evening...

Tonight's the Night!

2009-08-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

So it's finally here... DEUTERANOMALY goes up tonight! My cast and director have been wonderful through the entire rehearsal process and I have complete faith in them, but I still can't skip my customary pre-show freak-out. This freak-out has nothing to do with reality, and consists of me constructively obsessing over things I can't control. It's practically a tradition, after all... why change it for my New York theatrical debut? Oh, oh God! This is my New York theatrical debut! AHHHHHHH!!!

I'll update later when I feel a bit less terrified...

Playwright + Video Camera = Bad Idea

2009-08-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have a theory that plays should not be captured on film. I mean, I have nothing against the screenplay adaptations that open up the world of the play (Closer, Little Shop of Horrors, Doubt, etc), but taking a camera and simply pointing it at a stage play? Not gonna work. Everything's just going to look unimpressive, awkward, and unnatural. I'm sorry to report that this is also true of playwrights.

I'm still new to this blogging thing and it doesn't seem to want to let me upload YouTube videos, so you're going to have to click here to see what I mean.

Yep, sadly, that's yours truly and Starr Kirkland (more on her later) attempting to promote Deuteranomaly at the kick-off party for the Strawberry One Act Festival. Please note that the actual play is not nearly as bad as this video. Additionally, note the strange cut that occurs around the 1:38 mark. I think the camera man simply couldn't take it anymore and tried to end his and our misery. As for why the camera was turned back on, I can only theorize that the camera man has made an enemy adept in black magic who wanted him to suffer. This also explains why he was stuck filming us in the first place.

"Thaaaat's right, my pretty. Film them! FILM THEM! Turning the camera off will get you nowhere! Muahaha!"

How did this abomination come to be? The Riant Theatre told us we (the playwrights) were going to have an interview on that evening, but the night before the party they sent us a list of information we needed to communicate directly to the camera. I'm no scientist, but from what I know of life and love, I'm pretty sure an interview involves, like, asking and answering questions. What they were describing was a prepared statement, which is different from an interview in that you, you know, have to prepare something.

I literally pulled this thing out of my ass. I think you can tell. I think you can also clearly see the terror on my face, especially at the beginning.

Thank God for Starr Kirkland, my wonderful roommate who also unexpectedly found herself joining me in front of the camera due to the following circumstances:

1.) She is an extremely talented actress, spoken word artist, and awesome person.
2.) She had made the mistake of agreeing to accompany me to the party that evening.
3.) I was promised an interview, and damn it, I was going to have something in an interview format, even if I had to write it myself.

I seriously owe her big for this. Like, REALLY big. She's not even IN Deuteranomaly so this is just a giant awesome favor on her part. Additionally, asking Starr to be in this promo is like asking Meryl Streep to be the voice that goes, "The number you have called is not in service. Please check the number and try again."

I've thoughtfully provided a picture of what this situation might look like, should it ever come to pass. You're welcome.

Starr is way too good for this drek. I could try to repay her by plugging her website (www.starrkirkland.com), but I don't think that'd be adequate so I'm not going to bother. Whatever, I'll think of something.

The Riant Theatre still stubbornly clings to their erroneous belief that they filmed interviews that night, and lists them as such on their blog. I could direct you there, (www.therianttheatre.blogspot.com), but that'd give you a chance to check out my competition in the festival, so you're just going to have to trust me on this one.

If this video hasn't turned you off (I mean to the play, I'm certain it has turned you off in every other way that one can be turned off), tickets are still available here (remember to scroll down to find Deuteranomaly on Sunday, August 16th, 9:00 pm).

As for now, it's time to wash my hair, grab some food, and do some writing before heading to rehearsal. I can gladly and gratefully confirm that there will be no cameras present during any part of this process.

Clubbed Thumbs

2009-08-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

I have started a new play about hands, which ironically started in application for a commission with a theater company called Clubbed Thumb. Even more appropriately, I actually HAVE clubbed thumbs, which I did not mention on my theatrical resume but probably should have (hey, if I don't get the commission, at least I'll know why). Today, therefore, I turn my unnecessary analysis on myself; more specifically, on my squat widdle thumbs.

Note: Thumb pictured is not actually mine. Mine is similar to this, only about one million times more adorable/charming/whimsical.

According to top scientists (also known as Wikipedia), clubbed thumb is a skeletal abnormality that "is characterized by a particularly short thumb that is round in section and bulbous at the end." Sexy, right? Apparently, it’s very common in royal blood-lines and Ashkenazi (eastern European) Jews. What do royalty and Jews have in common, you may ask? Why, years of in-breeding, of course (royalty because they were extremely prejudiced, Jews because everyone else was). It’s also inexplicably known as Murderer’s Thumb, but every time I get my nails done at a Korean place they tell me the thumbs are lucky and indicate that I’m destined for success. So in case you’re wondering, I’m a lucky in-bred murderer who’s destined for success. Think about THAT every time I give you a thumbs-down.

Also, Megan Fox (the chick from cinematic masterpiece “Transformers” and its sequel) also has clubbed thumbs, which doesn’t surprise me because Megan and I obviously share a similar superior genetic make-up.

Is this a picture of Megan Fox or of me? You'll never know!

I am not the only one fascinated by this. In my searching, I came across a website completely dedicated to clubbed thumbs, http://alfparelli.wordpress.com, which includes clubbed thumb news, photo galleries, and even a poll about what name we prefer to call our special thumbs (it was a tie between "Clubbed" and "Stub." I'm a little disappointed there wasn't a more creative option, like "Gerald").

People have actually asked me if my thumbs make typing difficult (what?) or, in the days when I still played piano, if octaves were challenging (a little, actually). The only way they've demonstrably impacted my life is during those few occasions when I've gone bowling. My thumbs are too squat and fat to fit into what I imagine is the correctly weighted ball, so I always end up with some 500-lb. clunker that goes straight into the gutter. This is clearly the cause of my dismal bowling performance, and probably the cause of similar failures in basketball, baseball, and cross country. I've never thought about it before, but is seems pretty clear to me now that my clubbed thumbs are responsible for a lifetime of sucking at all activities that require any show of coordination or athleticism. Curse you for ruining what would have otherwise been a promising career in sports, Clubbed Thumbs!

Can you see me? I'm shaking my tiny fists at the part of the sky where I'm pretty sure God lives.

My play, by the way, is about a girl named Selah who suffers from a birth defect that affects her hands: instead of clubbed thumb, however, she has two thumbs and no pinkie, making her hand resemble a Jewish chamsah or Arab Hand of Fatimah.

Note: the character does NOT have an eye in the middle of her hand. The play's weird enough.

Does this play reveal that I'm working through something on a subconscious level? Am I insecure about my clubbed thumbs in a way I've never admitted to myself? Am I so ashamed of my one tiny thumb on each hand that I am over-compensating by giving Selah two? And if so, am I taking my pinkie for granted?

All I know is, this will not stand in the way of my dream that I just made up to join Ebert and Roeper and review movies with a thumbs up or thumbs down. My thumbs may be small and bulbous, but their opinion on the latest Judd Apatow comedy is powerful.

"Deuteranomaly" in the Strawberry One-Act Festival!

2009-07-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to officially announce that my one-act play, Deuteranomaly, will be featured in the Strawberry One-Act Festival here in NYC on Sunday, August 16th at 9:00 p.m. at the Theatre at St. Clement’s, which is located at 423 West 46th Street, between 9th & 10th Avenue! As a comedy about a middle-class Jewish family, I feel that the play is definitely breaking a lot of new ground and bringing NY audiences into an unfamiliar world. I'd love to have you all there to support my unique and revolutionary vision. You can buy tickets for $20.00 here (be sure you're buying for the correct time slot, as different shows are presented on different nights and times... you may need to scroll down a little to find Deuteranomaly).

The Strawberry One Act Festival is, for lack of a better/less stupid term, much like American Idol for playwrights: that is, out of hundreds of scripts submitted, the Riant Theatre selects about 40 to be part of the festival (I'm lucky enough to be one of them), and then the audience votes on which plays advance to further levels of competition and perform again. So please, tell your friends/family/dog about the show! I promise it won't suck. I also promise at least one tasteless Helen Keller joke, and one usage of the word "tush."

Deuteranomaly is directed by the incomparable Havilah Imfeld, and features the ridiculous acting talents of Maggie Alexander, Dyalekt, Justin Gillman, and Liz Kelley. Click here and reserve your tickets TODAY!

A Message to the Creators of "Snacklish"

2009-07-02T11:46:00.001-07:00

Dear People in Charge of Marketing for Snickers,

Recently, when I boarded the G train on my way to work, I realized that I had not only forgotten my book at home, but that the middle-aged drunk guy sitting across from me had just decided to follow up his “Unabashed Staring at Jessica’s Boobs Campaign” with an “Attempt at Conversation After-Party.” Clearly, these were optimum conditions for pretending to care intensely about the various advertisements posted around the subway car, and the marketing campaign that I decided to pretend to care about was none other than your “Learn to Speak Snacklish” ad campaign for Snickers.

I have to say, you did not make my life easy. While the posters are clearly numerous and accessible, it is very difficult to pretend to care about a poo-colored advertisement with what appears to be a blob of toothpaste at the center. I know this is the Snickers logo, but had my desire for Drunk-Guy Avoidance not been so strong, I probably would have looked away. Then I reminded myself that these were more than pretty pictures: I had an opportunity to learn Snacklish. I read on.

The actual language of Snacklish does not so much appear to be a language but a list of phrases full of hunger/food/chocolate-related puns. I use the word “puns” loosely, as it is often unclear what the original word or phrase is supposed to be. For example, I understand it when you suggest that I “Take classes at the CHEWNIVERSITY” (although I already earned my BA from UCSB, thanks!), but I am confused when you tell me to “Schedule a consultation with DOCTOR FEEDZMORE.”

Is there some famous doctor whose name rhymes with “Feedzmore” of whom I’m simply not aware? If not, this isn’t a pun, it’s just a made-up name that is vaguely food-related, and a weird one at that. Why “Feedzmore?” Why not name him “Doctor Buy-Some-Snickers” and call it a day? For that matter, why make him a doctor at all? “Stunt Key-Grip Feedzmore” makes just as much sense. I would also like to know the sort of medicine in which the Doctor specializes and to take a look at his credentials… the whole thing seems sketchy to me.

The whole idea of puns that aren’t actually puns is delightful to me, and with Drunk Guy successfully avoided, I exited the train to a city that was full of them.

"SLAY DRAGONS WITH SIR SNACKSALOT"

This one actually isn’t that bad. It sounds vaguely like Lancelot, so you get some points there. I have to comment, however, on your irresponsible promotion of dragon-slaying as an acceptable past time.

"GET SOME BLING WITH MASTER P-NUT"

Really? “Get some bling?” I’m assuming that Master P-Nut is supposed to be some sort of hip hop artist or something (unfortunately, we’re not given enough back-story to know for sure), but it’s interesting to see that you seem to believe that acquiring bling is the first thing we’ll associate with his profession. I can’t wait to hear your suggestion that we “Pick up pennies from the ground with RABBI CHOCOHEN” or “Train under Master CHEW SUM YUM.”

"TRAIN UNDER MASTER CHEW SUM YUM"

…Oh. Oh dear. Where to begin? There is so much wrong here, I don’t know where to start. Blatant racism aside, the fact that this specific advertisement is located on an actual entrance to an actual train makes it all the more disturbing. Are we to believe that Master Chew Sum Yum is some giant and that the train is literally located UNDER him? If so, how the hell are we going to get to Queens?

"NOUGETABOUTIT"

Let’s be honest. What part of this word did your eyes focus on first? I can almost guarantee it wasn’t the pun on “nougat.”

"MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR A HUNGERECTOMY"

Perhaps this is the type of procedure in which Dr. Feedzmore specializes? It’s kind of amazing how this advertisement manages to be reminiscent of the words “hysterectomy” and “rectum” while seemingly bearing no relation to the actual product. While I myself enjoy thinking about losing my uterus to cancer as well as the muscles that control my bowels as I eat candy, most people will probably just find this to be in bad taste (Ha! See what I did there? Now THERE’S a pun!).

I even went so far as to visit your website, www.snacklish.com, which, after loading to 100 Chewcent, promised to translate any word I typed into Snacklish. I honestly can’t remember being less entertained in my life than I was while participating in this exercise (except maybe by the first Hulk movie, and that’s only because it featured an allegedly epic battle with a hulked-up French Poodle).

Some of the translations are just downright confusing… why the hell does “dog” become “dogisfy?” Does Snacklish have no care for parts of speech? “Dog” is a noun, but “dogisfy” seems to be a verb or maybe even an adjective, and I have no idea in what context it would be used.

“I’m not dogisfied with your latest report, Johnson.”

“He decided to dogisfy his wife.”

Nonsensical at best, completely terrifying at worst.

Feeling snarky, I decided to give in to my natural bent toward shenaniganry and typed in the word “Ass.” I was greeted with the words, “YOU CHEWED UP.” Oh ho! You got me, Snacklish! This is one young hooligan who’s learned her lesson!

In conclusion, I expect better quality from advertising campaigns that I pretend to care about when trying to avoid getting hit on by drunks in the subway. Sure, it sufficed this time, but I worry for the future. One thing’s for sure: I will NOT be forgetting to bring a book on the train ever again.

Sincerelylicious,

Fedssica Filleitman